I thought starting a new blog would be easy, I thought the words would just pour out of my fingers and fill up posts without my hardly having to try. I thought I’d have immediate followers and readers and comments up the wazoo…
I really don’t know why how I can possibly justify this type of logic to myself, I know what blogging is like, I know it is difficult business, I know what the “writing-editing-revising-editing-writing-revising-editing-editing-editing-FINALLY hitting publish-only-to-find-a-spelling-error-in-the-last-paragraph” cycle is like. I know that quality content does not just stream out of anyone’s fingers; I know that commenters are an ever diminishing breed. But I was so hopeful, I need this site to be better for me. I need this to be a new “happy place.” I need to be able to share my hurts, my triumphs, my thoughts here. As most of you know, this is not my first blog. I have actually been blogging for years and years elsewhere in the vast universe of the internet. But in recent months “elsewhere” has become someplace I no longer can be honest or even be myself; things finally got so bad I decided to board up the windows and close everything down. That has also been a slow and difficult process, it’s like a part of me has died. Or, more accurately, it’s like I am actively killing something I love.
Despite knowing it would probably be the best thing for me and the 3 or 4 people who were most affected, shutting down my darling blog was (and is) really hard.
I am not embarrassed to admit that many (many!) tears were shed, lots of swears were yelled, and scenario after scenario was studied to make sure I was making the correct decision. There was not a single scenario with a dominating “pro” column and a completely empty “con” column. This was a really tough decision for me, and it has been weighing on my little heart for at least a year, probably longer. It’s been a dark, dark place.
The other day I read a quote by Madonna Badger, an art director for Calvin Klein who lost her three daughters and both parents in a Christmas Day house fire two years ago, she said:
“Basically, I go to wherever the light is, because anything else is darkness…”
Now, I am in NO WAY comparing closing a website to losing your entire family in one tragic day. But I love the idea of walking away from the dark things in our lives and trying to find something better. I am hoping that here will be better, safer, more real. I am hoping to unpack those vulnerable parts of myself and put them back where they belong. I hope I can throw open my windows and let in some sunshine. I want to write truthfully and honestly, even when it stings and even when it seems impossible.
Go to wherever the light is, because anything else is darkness.
Here we go!
P.S. Um…my name is not actually Harriet. Most of the identifying information on this blog will be a variation on a truth or made up completely. (Does it seem strange to create an alter-ego in order to share your thoughts honestly? Well, yes, kind of. Strange, but necessary.) Harriet is my mask, but what is underneath the label–the actual content–is all me, more of me and a more true version of me than I’ve ever been able to share. And that, my friends, is refreshing! Exciting! Terrifying! And awesome.