What’s in a name? That depends, is it spelled wrong?

Unnecessary double letters, made up sounds, apostrophes for no reason whatsoever, and strange combinations of letters with unpronounceable results; there are a lot of areas of the country that have some trends of really bizarre first names, my state ranks right up there at the top of those bizarre-o lists. For your entertainment, here is a list of legal, given first names that I have come across in the last few weeks. Of course, with my snarky comments thoughts.

 Abcde
Ab-si-dee. I’ve actually seen this one before. Because the ultimate in “creative naming” for your little darling is to just pick the initial sequence of letters in one of the most common alphabets on the planet.

Autymne
Autumn is a perfectly lovely first name, why ruin it?

Brooque
I believe this is “Brooke”…but spelled wrong.

Ceanna
Rhymes with Deanna?

C’era
What is this? Sierra? Sara? Cara? Kee-era?

Champagne
Really?

Charmonie
All I see is a toilet paper advertisement

Druellie
Cinderella’s evil stepsister? The name right under this one had the same birthday and same last name from a very small geographic area, so, presumably, Druellie’s twin….his name is Steve. (?!?!?)

Elewi
Ella-wee?

Essence
Why?!?

Everley
This just sounds made up.

Fabrynn
What?

Ffyona
WHO SPELLS “FIONA” WITH TWO F’S?!?

Julissa
Ok, fine, weird, but fine.

Kattie
Caddy? Katie? Kate-Tee?

Kyros
Isn’t this the name of some kind of young boy sculpture from Ancient Greece?

Lesieli
…..

Lexas
No. Just, no.

Melissa Unicorn
I mean, at least her FIRST name isn’t “Unicorn.” (For privacy purposes it’s also not “Melissa” but is something equally normal and common.)

Saphyrie
I believe the word you’re looking for is “Saphire.” And please don’t name your baby that.

Siamon
The only male name on this list, is this Simon? Or See-a-mon? Let’s hope the former.

Shaudray
Unnecessary.

Steffanice
Eyeroll.

Talysa
“I like the name Alysa, but it’s just so boring!” “I know! Let’s add a T in front of it!”

Tandea
Like, rhymes with Pangea?

Tuesday
Does she also have siblings named Sunday and Friday?

Ulyssa
Maybe Ulysses S. Grant was her great-great-great grandfather? Yeah, probably not.

Also, can we chat for a minute about why all of these names are for women? I mean, there is that cruel Siamon/Simon/Semen male option, but the other 26 names on this list are for women. What kind of strange patriarchal bullcrap leads parents to give their sons normal names but give their daughters something…bizarre. Is there some kind of subliminal assumption that Little Johnny or Little Ricky or Little Billy could grow up into Mr. President, where Little Charmonie or Little Fabrynne or Little Saphyrie will simply be Mr. President’s trophy wife?

Hrmph. I’m irritated twice over now.

I wonder if Malcolm Gladwell or those Freakanomics guys have done some kind of in-depth analysis of this.

Harriet sig

Disclaimer: In looking at these lists I tried really hard not to mock any names that could possibly be a legit ethnic name, and if there is one on this list I certainly did not intend to mock a cultural norm. But, for the record, Brooque, Essence, Ffyona, and Steffanice are not cultural, they are just weird and/or misspelled. The parents responsible for such labels should probably have their heads examined…and have their children’s birth certificates spellchecked prior to leaving the hospital.

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18 thoughts on “What’s in a name? That depends, is it spelled wrong?

  1. I’m a guy, so thinking up baby names isn’t really a thing for me, but I will admit there was a time in my past where, for reasons best left to speculation, names were being considered. I agree that most of the names on that list are hideous, but I do like a couple of them. I have a penchant for odd, non traditional names and spellings.

    I always liked the name River for a girl, and I will state that I had that idea LONG before Joss Whedon named a popular TV character that, so I still hold the original claim on that one. It just sounds feminine to me. By contrast, I think Dakota would be better suited to a boy, but that name smacks of preppiness somehow. I don’t even remember if I ever even considered any boy names, because I always thought if I were to ever have a kid, it should be a girl. Anyway, all irrelevant points now. My imaginary kids would probably be grateful I didn’t get to name them.

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    1. My niece is named Dakota–we call her Koda most of the time–and it fits her perfectly.

      You want your middle name to be Unicorn, don’t you. It’s okay, this is a safe space to admit that. 😉

      xox

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      1. I knew as soon as I commented on the name Dakota that either you or one of your readers would say, “My ____’s name is Dakota, you ass!” Ah well.

        My first name (shortened version) AND my middle name (Leigh) both use the feminine form of the spelling. Not as cool and macho as Unicorn, but non-traditional just the same.

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  2. If I’m remembering correctly, there actually is a chapter on names in the original Freakanomics book. One of my former roommates named her daughter Everly. And yes, she lives in your state.

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    1. I’m gonna have to go look that up (Freakanomics).

      As soon as I was done compiling this list and hit the “publish” button I signed on to Facebook and one of my friends just revealed her new baby girl’s name is….Everly. Sigh.

      xox

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  3. The other day, at the start of spin class, the teacher was taking roll and asked for my name. I said it, and then told her to look for the one weird name on the list. She looked at me and said, This is Utah. There are so many weird names on my list.

    At least mine is spelled right.

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    1. I actually don’t really mind most unique names (the ones that aren’t completely ridiculous) AS LONG AS THEY ARE SPELLED CORRECTLY!! Ffyona? No.

      I love your name, by the way, don’t know if I ever told you that, but I do.

      xox

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  4. I see kids all day long and the names that parents come up with boggle me too. I once had a family of 4 all named after seasons. Oh dear. Everly seems to be quite common in internet land, but I’ve never met a real live one. Also, unicorn. Horrifically awesome.

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    1. I’ve known girls named Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter…but they weren’t all in the same family. I grew up with a girl who told us her middle name was Butter Cookie…as in, Jenny Butter Cookie LastName. I think that was made up, althoug you never know.

      xox

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  5. My sister-in-law once suggested that if we had a girl, her middle name should be a mash-up of my name and Tim’s name, so….Autim (pronounced Autumn, which actually would sound quite pretty with the first name we’ve selected, but I refuse to spell it wrong and, anyway, we’re giving her my mom’s name as a middle name so Autim/Autumn is off the table).

    I once went to daycare with a girl named Sweetie. It took me the longest time to figure out that Sweetie was actually her name, not just a term of endearment the daycare teachers used whenever they spoke to her.

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  6. Oh, man. The names that I have seen working in the dental/medical field. It kills me.

    The sweet little girl named “Tyger” was bad enough, but the winner is a little boy named N’Cho. The others at my at-the-time job and I discussed it for a long, long time. and I finally gave up and pronounced it as “Nacho”. I got ten minutes of angry lecture on how CLEARLY that name is pronounced “”Encha” and how I must be some kind of idiot for assuming otherwise.

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