Years ago I was in a play where one of the characters hardly had any lines, but the lines she did have were lists of all the things she hated (this play was set in a mental health institution, it should be noted). Each of her monologues began with “I hate everything in the world, but most of all, I hate…” and is a format that I have used completely out of context–and out of mental health institutions, thankfully–ever since. Now, there are precious few things on the planet that I despise with the fire of a thousand suns and wish imminent destruction upon, however, there are a whole pile of things that I just cannot stand and/or make me gag or incite mouthful after mouthful of rage-y ranting. With that in mind, an ode to Mrs. Paddy and all the things she/I hate.
I hate everything, but most of all, I hate…
…white, stringy pulp of oranges.
…sleeping in a hot room (hot = anything over 58 degrees F).
…visible pet hair not attached to previously mentioned pet.
…gummy things: worms, bears, chews, fruit snacks, gushers.
…the sound/smell of dental cleaning or drilling apparatus.
…Marv, Gail, and RaeLene, the three wiry white hairs constantly re-sprouting from my chin.
…popcorn: caramel, buttered, salted, flavored, Kettle.
…book covers featuring art or graphics from the movie adaptation.
…goopy or sticky lip stick or lip gloss.
…salty ocean water anywhere near my face (I’d rather just stay dry and on the beach).
…incorrect usage of there, their, they’re;
alot, a lot; a part, apart; heel, heal; bear, bare.
…control-top panty hose.
…papaya, which always smells like vomit (yes, it does).
…2am wake-up due to car alarm, dance party, or chain-smoking neighbor.
…mild toothpaste, I prefer it eye-stingingly minty.
…TV commercials. I. Cannot. Deal.
…dusting the house or any item contained therein.
…pennies (completely useless, IMO).
…my own hairy legs; I can’t sleep if it’s been more than 36 hours since shaving.
What do you hate? Or, if “hate” is too strong a word, what are your pet peeves? Your triggers? The things that drive you bonkers? Anything you hate with a fiery passion equatable only to a plethora of unstable, combustible, highly dangerous, gaseous spheres?