Do you ever have those self-realization moments that hit you like a truck, right in the heart?
I’m there: I have a pretty potent combination of the Blues and the Mean Reds.
I am both sad and lonely and hurting and frustrated and scared; I’ve been doing that body-shaking ugly cry at my desk for the last 10 minutes because I don’t want to be blue or red, I just want to be me. I feel like I’m angry and on-edge and heart-broken and completely alone, all the time. It’s emotionally and physically exhausting and probably makes me a not very fun person to hang out with. I’m having a hard time finding and focusing on the good things in my life, even though I intellectually KNOW there are many of them. I’m having a hard time finding me, and that is a terrifying place to be. Where am I? Am I hiding? Lost? Have I jumped ship? Or am I so altered that the Me From Before doesn’t exist anymore and I’m stuck with this messed-up version of Blue and Red Harriet?
I know moving is hard. I know uprooting your whole life and trying to make it grow 700 miles away is hard. I know finding new friends is hard. I know figuring out how to live with a boy (for, basically, the first time) is hard. I KNOW all that, but I’m still a sobbing, blubbering mess. Is moving one of the most stressful things an adult can do? Yes, yes it is. Do I give myself much allowance for that? No, because I’m Super Woman, dammit, and Super Woman is not to be defeated by something as mundane as moving. Small pox, maybe. Or a nuclear holocaust. Or maybe the destruction of humanity and unicorns in one swift blow from an intergalactic army. But moving? Psssht, like it’s supposed to be hard? (And also? That other stuff is horrible too, but part of me still says “Just rub some dirt on it and get back up and DO something! You’re freaking Super Woman!”)
Yeah, I probably have somewhat unhealthy and wildly unrealistic personal expectations in times of crisis.
Can you do me a favor? Can you tell me two things you love? Two things that bring you joy? And while I know that “family” and “my kids” and stuff are probably near the top of your list, can you give me something to DO that brings you joy? I’m crowd-sourcing here; help a girl out.